The Thousand Dollar Library Card

PART I

<Mooman> Anyway
<Mooman> What was I doing
<Mr-Bob> I dont know what I was doing. The netsplit erased my memory
<Mooman> Oh yeah, I was being angry at K-Dawg and TLH
<Mr-Bob> who are they?
<Mooman> Haha, silly Bob. You have no memory anyway
<Mercury_Hat> Bob's in the Maaaaatrix
<Mooman> :o
<Mooman> But can he dodge bullets?
<Mr-Bob> whoa
<Mercury_Hat> no
<Mercury_Hat> He's too dumb
<Mr-Bob> Yes I can!
* Mooman shoots Bob
* Mr-Bob falls. shot
<Mr-Bob> Maybe I can't
<Mooman> Let's try it again
<Mr-Bob> no..
<Mr-Bob> no need
<Mr-Bob> I think we
* Mooman shoots Bob
<Mr-Bob> ACK
<Mooman> Hmm
<Mooman> Well, that confirms it
<Mooman> it
<Mr-Bob> help.. me
<Mr-Bob> I'm hurt
<Mr-Bob> really bad
<Mooman> No, Bob, I can only show you the door.
<Mr-Bob> That's a nice door
<Mooman> But you are the one who has to perform life-saving surgery on yourself
<Mr-Bob> bit too wide for my taste
<Mr-Bob> but it's a nice door
<Mooman> Stop reviewing my door
<Mr-Bob> But I don't know a thing about human biology!
<Mr-Bob> I only know about doors
<Mooman> Then pretend you're a door
<Mr-Bob> perhaps.. if I imagined that I was a door.. then maybe.. YES!
<Mr-Bob> Scalpel!
<Mooman> I only have this machete
<Mr-Bob> It will have to do!
* Mr-Bob hacks for a bit
<Mr-Bob> hinges!
<Mooman> Erm...sellotape?
* Mr-Bob sellotapes
<Mr-Bob> screwdriver!
<Mooman> Nope, I've only got this hammer
<Mr-Bob> nonono that wont do!
<Mr-Bob> I need something to turn things!
<Mooman> Well
<Mooman> Let me try it out
* Mooman hammers
<Mr-Bob> Well.. I dont know how you did it but it worked!
<Mr-Bob> now..
<Mooman> Where'd these parachute pants come from?
<Mr-Bob> Quiet!
<Mr-Bob> I need a Brass door knocker circa 1800!
<Mr-Bob> It's my only hope!
<Mercury_Hat> I have one circa 1805
<Mr-Bob> DAMN!
<Mooman> Well to do that we'll need to go on an Adventure Through Time, but I dunno, I'm kinda tired.
<Mr-Bob> Well mooman
<Mr-Bob> I guess this is it
<Mr-Bob> it was good knowing you
<Mooman> I have to say
<Mooman> You're the best damn door I've ever had the pleasure or knowing
<Mr-Bob> why .. thank you. I depart leaving you this:
<Mooman> ...leaving me what?
<Mr-Bob> It just breaks my heart that all all I have to leave you is this big box
<Mr-Bob> For it is all I have
<Mooman> A box?
<Mooman> What's in it?
<Mr-Bob> open it once I die!
<Mr-Bob> and only after!
<Mr-Bob> I die!
* Mr-Bob dies
<Mooman> :O
<Mooman> Hmm
<Mooman> Should I open the box, or make sure he's dead, in case something happens...
<Mr-Bob> open it
* Mr-Bob dies
<Mooman> Ok!
* Mooman opens the box
* Mr-Bob steps out of the box
<Mr-Bob> Hello there!
<Mooman> What the...?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
* RA snorts
<Mr-Bob> Don't worry about it!
<Mr-Bob> here's a penny for your effort
<Mooman> But you're dead! And a door!
<Mooman> A penny?
<Mr-Bob> oh you get to keep the box of course
<Mr-Bob> after all, it is yours
<Mooman> So I have a penny and a box
<Mr-Bob> You lucky man you!
<Mr-Bob> if only I could be so lucky!
<Mooman> So logically everytime I kill Bob I will become a penny and a box richer...
<Mr-Bob> I had box of my own once you know
<Mr-Bob> uhm
<Mooman> Meaning that if I do it enough I can become rich and King of Boxes!
<Mr-Bob> ...that's not true
<Mr-Bob> I only had the one penny
<Mr-Bob> they dont even make those anymore
<Mooman> Quiet you! My greed has obviously blinding my foresight!
<Mooman> And my tenses.
<Mr-Bob> All I have now is just thise dirty 100 pound notes
* Mooman stabs Bob with a rake
<Mr-Bob> oh no! multiple stab wounds!
<Mooman> Now all I have to do is wait
* Mr-Bob sits down next to mooman and waits
<Mooman> Ho hum...
<Mr-Bob> Taking their time, aren't they?
<Mooman> Well, I dunno, you're supposed to be dying.
<Mr-Bob> oh? Am I? terribly sorry
<Mr-Bob> I'm never sure of quite what to do in these situations
<Mr-Bob> I get sort of nervous
<Mr-Bob> you'll have to forgive me
<Mooman> Perfectly understandable
<Mr-Bob> Um..could you, turn around?
<Mr-Bob> i cant do it with people watching
<Mooman> Oh...must I?
<Mooman> Well, I suppose if it helps.
<Mr-Bob> It just, refuses to happen
* Mooman turns around
* Mr-Bob dashes mooman's head with a frying pan
* Mr-Bob takes his penny back and runs
<Mooman> Why, you scoundrel. Now I fear I shall black out.
* Mooman collapses
* Mr-Bob comes back for the box
* Mr-Bob is off again
* Mooman comes to and zaps the box with his laser eyes
* Mr-Bob throws the box at mooman
* Mooman zaps the box again so it explodes with the force of 26 sneezes
<Mr-Bob> owwwww.. and you didnt cover your mouth!
<Mooman> Well I was a little miffed

PART II

* Mr-Bob picks up his corpse, guts it and wears it as a disguise
<Mooman> Egad! Where'd he go? I must find Mr Bob so I can enact my revenge
* Mr-Bob walks past nonchalantly
<Mooman> You! Stranger! May I enlist your services?
<Mr-Bob> Does it pay?
<Mooman> Only in violence
<Mr-Bob> Well i'm terribly sorry but I'm a very specialised person. I only hunt Bobs
<Mr-Bob> I can be of no further service for you. See my degree in bob hunting
<Mooman> Well that's incredible, a bob happens to be the single object I wish to hunt
<Mr-Bob> At last! EMPLOYMENT!
<Mooman> This Bob is tricky and has tricks
<Mr-Bob> Well, it just so happens that I am tricky and have tricks as well!
<Mooman> How convenient!
<Mooman> Well now, where do we begin?
<Mr-Bob> Well.. I propose we build A ROLLER COASTER
<Mooman> That's quite a tall order
<Mr-Bob> But they're great fun!
<Mooman> I do not dispute that, sir
<Mooman> But I do not have the resources at this time
<Mr-Bob> Damn!
<Mr-Bob> We're in a more dire position than I imagined!
<Mooman> I could do the Money Cheat
<Mr-Bob> no roller coaster
<Mr-Bob> ..what will the children say?
<Mr-Bob> The money cheat?
<Mr-Bob> Could you really pull it off?
<Mooman> Yes, the money cheat
<Mooman> Well, I just have to press some buttons in the right order and money is mine
<Mr-Bob> now now now my friend! let's not be so hasty!
* CJ_at_work gets the popcorn so she can watch "how to hunt a Bob" her favorite stage play
<Mooman> This is a time for haste!
<Mr-Bob> you press the buttons and we split the money fifty fifty!
<Mooman> We have no roller coaster!!
<Mr-Bob> oh yes! I musnt get ahead of myself!
<Mr-Bob> Do the money cheat!
<Mooman> But there is talk, that using the money cheat can bring great disaster
<Mr-Bob> aw sod that
<Mr-Bob> let's see the moolah
<Mooman> How zen
* Mooman types in the money cheat
<Mooman> Hmm
<Mooman> How odd
<Mr-Bob> what happened??
<Mooman> Well instead of instantly becoming rich, I instantly gained shares in a Hot Bun company
<Mr-Bob> You dolt! Hot Buns are worthless!
<Mr-Bob> It's the sweet buns you want!
<Mooman> I am the victim of false advertising
<Mooman> Oh no wait
<Mooman> That was the Shares in a Hot Bun Company cheat
<Mooman> I read the list wrong
<Mr-Bob> well that's GamesMaster for you
<Mooman> But what's this? The money cheat has been torn out!
<Mr-Bob> What??
<Mooman> But what's this? The money cheat has been torn out!
<Mr-Bob> What??
<Mooman> But what's this? The money cheat has been torn out!
<Mr-Bob> *TUM TUM TUM TUMMMMMM*
* Mercury_Hat is now known as MH_out
<Mr-Bob> Sorry about that, I'm a little bit hard of hearing
<Mooman> Don't say 'tum', it has been known to give me nightmares
<Mr-Bob> Tum?
<Mooman> Well I won't be sleeping easy tonight
<Mr-Bob> Well not all is lost. Fortunately, Merc left her wallet behind!
* MH_out kicks Bob in a ditch full of ditch water
<Mooman> How much does it contain?
<Mr-Bob> haha! I still managed to nab the wallet, so while I'm here, this is rich water!
<MH_out> a library card
<Mr-Bob> Mayhaps we can sell it!
<Mr-Bob> FOR A THOUSAND DOLLARS
<Mooman> But to who?
<Mr-Bob> we need the perfect victim
<Mr-Bob> A right chump
<Mr-Bob> A big sucker
* Ruff_mcDuff (achim@AST-P32.beotel.net) has joined #keenspace
<Mooman> Perfect.
<Mr-Bob> Mooman,
<Mr-Bob> we have a winner
<Ruff_mcDuff> I got buffer!
<Ruff_mcDuff> An EXTREME buffer!
<Mr-Bob> of course you do!
<Ruff_mcDuff> Till June 11!
<Ruff_mcDuff> Past my birthday!
<Mr-Bob> June 11!
<Mr-Bob> Well I'll be! Do you know what june 11 is?
<Mr-Bob> international library day!
<Mooman> But oh no! What about those who are without library cards!
<Mr-Bob> The poor souls! What is to become of them??
<Ruff_mcDuff> What about them?
<Mooman> They will be unable to breach the mighty gates and feast on the knowledge inside!
<Mr-Bob> Oh! The inhumanity!
<Mr-Bob> The tragedy!
<Ruff_mcDuff> EXTREME knowledge!
<Mooman> No doubt they shall be cast from civilisation
<Mooman> And will die alone
<Mr-Bob> However! Not all is lost! mcDuff!
<Ruff_mcDuff> EXTREME!
<Mr-Bob> Becuase we have a special offer for you!
<Ruff_mcDuff> Which.
<Mr-Bob> we have an EXTREME library card!
<Mr-Bob> Only a piddling sum of onethousand dollars
<Ruff_mcDuff> Stop saying EXTREME!
<Ruff_mcDuff> I say that!
<Mr-Bob> I never said extreme
<Mr-Bob> so.. about this library card...
<Mooman> Why, I'd pay a billion dollars for that card
<Mr-Bob> I'd pay a zillion!
<RA> ...EXTREME! makes me just think of bad pornos...
<Mr-Bob> McDuff, you dont want to be unprepared on June 11 do you?
<Mooman> Maybe then I could learn of all the EXTREME books that live inside the library's tomes.
<Ruff_mcDuff> RA, do you have some kind of card to sell to poor slobs?
<Mr-Bob> And I would be EXTREMELY rich!
<Mr-Bob> i mean..books!
<Ruff_mcDuff> STOP SAYING EXTREME!
<RA> Mcduffies, i think i do
<Mr-Bob> I never said EXTREME!
<RA> 'get out of jail free' cards
<Mr-Bob> wait.. dont you want to buy our card?
<Ruff_mcDuff> RA: sell them to Bob and Moom and share money with me.
<RA> i stole them from Kdawg!
<Ruff_mcDuff> No, I want to sell you a card.
<RA> but i don't think they'd want meee
<Mr-Bob> Mcduff this card is worth every penny!
<Mr-Bob> it has normal market value of $1000, but for you, a special price of $2000!
<Ruff_mcDuff> If it's worth a penny, why are you trying to sell it for 1000$?
<Mr-Bob> Because! We use differnt currency over here
<Mooman> Because it's a special penny, only known of through legend and folklore
<Mr-Bob> that too
<Mooman> Well, they're essentially the same thing
* Ruff_mcDuff is now known as Policeman
<Mr-Bob> of course!
<Policeman> Ok, you two, I was a policeman in disguise!
<Mr-Bob> Oh no its the cops! Run Mooman Run!
<Policeman> I am bringing you both in for a con!
<Mooman> I am running, Mooman, running!
<Mr-Bob> QUick officer! after him!
<Mr-Bob> he's the one you want!
* CJ_at_work has icecream
* Mooman do run run runs a do run runs.
<CJ_at_work> this is my favorite part of the show
<RA> ice cream!
<Mr-Bob> helllllloo RA
<RA> helllloooooo Mr Bob
<Mr-Bob> are YOU prepared for international library day?
<RA> yos.
<Mr-Bob> You do have a card..dont you?
<RA> i...think
* RA raises her eyebrow
<RA> what kiiiind of card?
<Mr-Bob> A common library card
<Mr-Bob> green
* Policeman is now known as Ruff_mcDuff
* Mooman emerges from a manhole
<Mooman> I managed to shake him after the rooftop fight
<Mr-Bob> Quick mooman he's behind you!
<RA> ooooh.
<Mooman> Oh no! He's followed my trail of breadcrumbs!
<Mr-Bob> Good. best you leave me with the card
* RA hands mr bob a thousand and takes the card and a grope
* Mooman grabs a passing rope and swings away
<Mr-Bob> Mooman! I did it!
<Mr-Bob> I did it!
<Mr-Bob> I got some!
<Mr-Bob> And I got the money too!
* Mooman swings back from the opposite side of the scene
<Mr-Bob> How did you do that?
<Mooman> That was a long rope
<Mr-Bob> oh
<Mooman> How much did you get?
<Mr-Bob> I got it all. thousand bucks.
<RA> i don't know if it counts of you get any from me, though. i love on everyone <3
* RA gropes Mooman
<Mooman> That'll be £1000
<Mooman> I charge, Missy.
<Mooman> I'm not like Captain Freelegs here.
<RA> :<
* RA gives Mooman teh money.
<Mooman> Hooray!
<Mr-Bob> now we have two thousand!
<Mooman> Sweet victory
<Mr-Bob> Now to split the earnings
<Mooman> Why did we want the money again...?
<Mr-Bob> uh... to spend??
<Mooman> Of course, how silly of me.
<Mr-Bob> How does 50-50 sound to you?
<Mooman> It sounds like a pound.
<Mr-Bob> All right then, I get the money and you get this delightful designer wallet
<Mooman> My God!
<Mooman> A wallet!
<Mooman> And not just any wallet!
<Mr-Bob> A beauty isnt it?
<Mooman> This in an antique Super Charley Patented Tri-Gum Mark III!!!
<Mooman> There was only ever two of these made!
<Mooman> I'm rich!
<Mr-Bob> haha! I'm afraid I wasnt very fair on you! After all, why should I get the lion's share?
<Mr-Bob> here you get the money and I get the wallet!
<Mooman> Nono, I must admit, you were very fair
<Mooman> No, I believe I have the wallet now
<Mr-Bob> But I insist!
<Mooman> Nononononononononono, I shan't go back on our deal
<Mr-Bob> So. That's how it is then?
<Mr-Bob> I see we'll just have to settle this amicably
* Mr-Bob shoots Mooman
<Mooman> Ouch. My organ.
* Mooman falls backwards
<Mr-Bob> yes, and the monkey will get one next if you dont give me that wallet
<Mooman> You can't kill the monkey!
* Mr-Bob kills the monkey
<Mr-Bob> GIve me the wallet Mooman!
<Mooman> You horrible monster!
<Mooman> I can't give you the wallet!
<Ruff_mcDuff> What? Still pickpocketing?
<Mr-Bob> officer! Arrest this man! he stole my bullet!
<Ruff_mcDuff> Guys, that's not really EXTREME.
<Mr-Bob> he's trying to hide it in his chest!
<Mooman> I swallowed it for protection
<Mr-Bob> the bullet?
* Mooman (moomanuk@host81-154-35-178.range81-154.btcentralplus.com) Quit (Read error: Connection reset by peer)

PART III

* Mooman (moomanuk@host81-154-35-178.range81-154.btcentralplus.com) has joined #keenspace
<Mr-Bob> Ahhh.. Thaddeus Mooman
<Mr-Bob> I have the wallet now you know!
<Mooman> Hmm
<Mooman> Is this the afterlife?
<Mr-Bob> I doubt it. I'm not dead
<Mooman> Or are you?
<Mooman> After all, that wallet is programmed to deliver a bazillion volts of electricity to anyone that touches it.
<Mr-Bob> TUM TUM TUM TUMMMMMMMMMm
<Mooman> Oh good, more nightmares...
<Mr-Bob> sorry
<Mr-Bob> what re you talking about?
<Mr-Bob> why would a wallet do that?
<Mooman> I'm talking about this, Bob!!! This amulet!! That you gave me back when we were training under Master Popopopopopo.
<Mr-Bob> Master popopopopo was a piece of crap
<Mr-Bob> He taught me nothing
<Mooman> Yes, but he made really good salads.
<Mr-Bob> Granted
<Mooman> Anyway
<Mooman> This amulet!
<Mr-Bob> The amulet.
<Mooman> That's right! I've known you were Bob all along!
<Mooman> It was all a ruse to bring you here!
<Mr-Bob> Oh crap! You saw through my cunning ploy!
<Ruff_mcDuff> I really can't follow what you guys are talking about.
<Mooman> Both of them
<Mr-Bob> I guess it's too late to ask for my payment in full
<Mooman> Oh, you'll get your payment.
<Mr-Bob> in full?
<Mooman> If you remember, I said I'll pay you in violence
<Mooman> SO HAVE SOME VIOLENCE!
<Mr-Bob> Ahh...
* Mooman wire fu kicks Bob
<Mr-Bob> You know...
<Mr-Bob> I've had some conssiderable thought about this
<Mr-Bob> and I think I'll be happier off saving it for my pension
<Mooman> Oh...really?
<Mr-Bob> Yes please
<Mooman> Cause....I've been learning all these moves and things...for this moment...
<Ruff_mcDuff> EXTREEEEME!
<Mr-Bob> Oh..
<Mooman> Cause
<Mr-Bob> Well.. if its any consolation.. there's McDuff here
<Mooman> I was kinda hoping to get revenge on you for what happened during training
<Mr-Bob> Well.. I'm kind of busy right now
<Mooman> That's not any consolation. At all.
<Mr-Bob> maybe if you called back in.. 7 years or so?
<Mooman> Well, i guess...
<Mooman> I dunno, this seemed to all be leading to a climax.
<Ruff_mcDuff> !EMEEERTXE
<Mr-Bob> QUiet you! we're trying to have a climax here
<Mooman> And no snickering at the back
<Ruff_mcDuff> Have an EXTREME climax!
<Mr-Bob> That guy is really pissing me off
<Ruff_mcDuff> Why?
<Ruff_mcDuff> Mooman?
<RA> climax rocks!
<Mooman> Maybe he's the final boss?
<Mr-Bob> hmm
<RA> uNF
<Mr-Bob> how about..
<Ruff_mcDuff> Final EXTREME boss!
<Mr-Bob> we put aside our differences
<Mr-Bob> and fight Mcduff?
<Mr-Bob> and RA?
<RA> ooh!
<Mr-Bob> together?
<Mooman> I'm way ahead of you.
<Ruff_mcDuff> No!
<RA> awesome.
<Mooman> IN fact, I've already stabbed him.
* RA glomps McDuffies
<Mr-Bob> Well done! you were always the doer!
<Mr-Bob> I was the do-ee
* Mr-Bob stabs RA
<Ruff_mcDuff> That was the shortest fight ever.
<Mooman> Let's not get into semantics
* RA looks at her guts
<RA> heee!
* RA throws her intestine at Bob
<RA> <3
<Mooman> Well that's that
* Ruff_mcDuff plunks Bob
<RA> come here at let me eat your brain!
<Mooman> Oh no!
* Mr-Bob uses it to tie them boith up
<Mooman> Hooray!
* Ruff_mcDuff compers Bob
<Mooman> Oh no!
* Mr-Bob codgers mcduff
* RA gnaws on the nearest person
<Mooman> Hooray!
* Ruff_mcDuff stumbles Mooman
<Mooman> Oh no and ow!
* Mr-Bob watches RA gnaw mcduff
* Ruff_mcDuff plucks Bob's hair
* Mr-Bob softens mcduff's edges
* Ruff_mcDuff fights EXTREMELY good
* Mr-Bob fights better
<Mooman> Quick! Time for the finishing move!
* Mr-Bob pulls out a gun and shoots them both dead
<Mr-Bob> How was that?
<Mooman> Well, it was pretty finishing.
* Ruff_mcDuff kicks Bob with a fist, causing him to drop his fake teeth, while at the same time punching Mooman causing him to stab on siccors that he was carrying
<Mooman> His corpse is attacking!
<Ruff_mcDuff> Aw damn, I missed to read posts above.
<Mr-Bob> Well Mooman. I guess this is it
<Mooman> I guess it is
<Mr-Bob> teaches you to run with scissors
<Mr-Bob> mind you, I'm not the one dying
<Mr-Bob> you are
* Ruff_mcDuff goes with RA toward the horizon.
* Mooman looks to the horizons, and tosses the amulet into the ocean
* Mr-Bob weeps Mooman
<Mr-Bob> ..and walks out to sea
* Mooman drops to his knees
<Mr-Bob> ..and comes back
<Mr-Bob> I thought you were dead
<Mooman> I'm getting there
* ChaosBurnFlame (User@66.190.70.147.ts46v-04.otna2.ftwrth.tx.charter.com) has joined #keenspace
<Mooman> Just takes me a bit of time
<Mr-Bob> hurry up man
<Mooman> I've never done it before
<Mr-Bob> your amulet is getting away
<Mooman> It's supposed to, it's dramatic
<Mr-Bob> but it's worth a bittttt
<Mooman> Well hold on
<Mooman> Wait
<ChaosBurnFlame> Yo!
<Mr-Bob> sshhh!
<Mooman> Waaaait
<Mooman> And
<Mooman> Yes!
* Mooman dies
* Mr-Bob sits in silence
* Mr-Bob runs to the sea to get that amulet

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